Friday, October 14, 2011

Balancing Life and well, Life...

So reno's are underway at my house and it cannot be completed soon enough.  I feel SO unprepared for baby its nuts!!  I have been pulling stuff out of storage each weekend and cleaning things off that i saved from Lil Man.  Just want the house and room set.  <insert eye roll>

Anyhoo, while that is going on, I have been contemplating how to articulate a struggle I have been having/trying to overcome over the past few months.  Balance.  Balance between life and well, life.  It sounds funky but really.  Its not a work/life balance so much, as I do my job and go home, but its more of a being the best mom and wife (and other roles) that I can be.  I know you probabaly think, that me wanting to be the best is my first problem.  Well, I have always tried to do things to the best of my ability becuase otherwise, why do them?  I'm not trying to be supermom or superwife by any means. (I gave in to that about 1 year and a half ago... Hahaha...)  I just want to be able to give both J and J what they need from me on a daily basis.  Sounds easy right?

Lil man is beginning to become a bit more independent at 3.5 years old.  He is able to get himself dressed, and can play for a short time by himself, etc.  I want him to be independent so when I see this I give him his space.  All that is amazing to watch, however, after work, I get home or pick him up and I just want to spend as much time with him and learn how he grew that day.  I want to play outside, or draw and talk with him.  I want to be present with him as much as I can.  Call it a bit of guilt for not being with him all day but either way, I don't want to miss a thing in his development or his ever changing persona.  We have fun.  I look forward to that time each day!! Now remember he is an active 3.5 year old boy with a lot of energy.  This together time lasts from 5:20 when I get home to about 9pm and beyond. 

We have also gotten into a terrible habit of me sleeping with him.  Yes, I know.  This is a BIG first time parent mistake that I don't know how I am going to fix.  It started with me just snuggling but when i got preggers and couldn't keep my eyes open past 8:30 I just passed out with him and now, if I am home, I am sleeping with him. Part of me says, it wont last forever, but the other part of me wants that time at night to myself OR to be with hubby.  I have to break this cycle before January when Baby Girl comes or its going to get ugly.  Suggestions welcome (encouraged).  We tried a couple techniques to end this like a treasure box and me pretending to go to store... all unsuccessful

Phew, ok, so all of this with Lil Man is great stuff.  I love spending time with him and snuggling, although it has its not so great side too.  NO time, and I mean NO time with hubby or for myself.  I love my husband to the moon and back and have no idea where I would be without him.  He is my rock.  I just feel like lately, I have not been able to BALANCE my time to give him the attention (or just have a conversation) he (we)need because of the time I want to spend with Lil Man.  I know hubby is not feeling the love and it kills me.  I need to be stronger than I am and set those boundaries and rules with Lil Man so my relationship with Hubby doesn't go down the tubes.  He has been extremely patient with me over the past few months.  So much so that I am getting nervous that maybe he is just thinking differently.

Then there is me time, this is not time I really NEED so to speak but the Dr says I should have it.  I get done what I need to get done (or so I think, hubby thinks differently).  I should have time to do yoga or go for a walk, catch up with old friends, or something... Hubby gives me nap time on the weekend to go out but I feel like I should use that time to be with him or napping.

How do I balance my time so that I can give to both equally.  Also, is it nuts that I feel I have to give separately??  AND together? 

Am I even making sense?? Is anyone out there??  Trying to come up with a solution or compromise here that will please all parties... Is it possible??